Anger my not so old friend. F*ck off!

I can't get rid of the anger. It started back in June when all the garbage went down with regards to William acting like a kid and half my cousins and uncles freaking out.

I don't think it was new anger, just rekindling of the frustration of not being validated in how I feel and my son or myself being made out to be the villain.
As much as my cousin wants me to come to Christmas/Boxing Day. I don't think I can.

The anger has continued to snow ball as everything went down with regards to my mother and her health.

She is fine. Missing from below her knee of her left foot, but she is a live. Tentative return to home is December 9th, 16th at the latest.

Guess who hasn't shown up since she was released from the ICU 4 weeks ago?
Yup, my Mom's sister and my asshole brother.

You know now that we need actual support and help with Mom coming home. Now that my Mom needs people around her as she learns to cope with the loss of her foot and how that will impact her for the rest of her life.

I told my Mom about me calling the two of them out and yelling at them.
She told me she was glad. Because it actually doesn't make her feel better knowing they were there when they thought she was dying. She'd rather they were here, now, helping when it is hard.
To her my Aunt being there is hazy. She only knew her son had been there because we told her.
The Social worker and OT and Home Care liaison person were shocked to learn that my parents have another kid who is relatively close by as they hadn't heard of him at all.

My sister has called from time to time to get a report, but now that Mom is fully functional mentally she just calls to talk to Mom when Dad is there with his cell phone.
Mom's home coming is contingent on two things. First her being strong enough to stand on her good leg so she can transfer herself in a pinch to the commode and back to the bed. Second the equipment from the hospital is available and the PSW care in place.


I don't know how to get rid of this anger. I can't sleep. I am so tense. When I do sleep I am plagued by PTSD related nightmares or nightmares of James or William dying.
I think about the holidays and seeing my brother at the Hare functions as well as his little following and I want to break things.
Heck just seeing my sister in law on tv talking about the high school strike/ work to rule action makes me want to throw things at the tv (shes the Ontario Teacher Federation Union rep. Or every time I think about how they claim we are the one's who don't see them yet they have without fail cancelled EVERY holiday type function my parents have set up whether I was going to be present or not.
They "claim" they can't visit because of my brother's work. Yet they regularly drive to Gravenhurst (so right through Orillia) to visit my sister in law's brother's family.
...
It makes me angry that they haven't even gotten my parents so much as a Christmas card in over 13 years yet they still expect gifts etc.

So angry.

This is not normal, but I can't seem to resolve the anger.

This is not as simple as "letting it go" or "forgiving and forgetting" --I will never forgive my sister in law for what she has done to my family. I will never forgive my brother for the mental, emotional and physical abuse he has incurred to me, my son or my parents.

I am sick and tired of people parroting at me that I just need to "let it go."

Also I know the anger isn't entirely from the family issues, but being triggered or inflamed further by those issues.

So angry I physically hurt and have also been physically ill.

Seriously, if I could not feel this way, I would have by now. I'd really rather not have what feels like a constant ball of burning rage in my chest that explodes without warning and I hear myself saying things to the people I love who are closest to me that should never be said. Because I can't be the person they think I am if I feel this way. Good people don't feel this rage. I feel like they would be better off without me. Not dead, just no me in their lives, ghosting.

It's gotten to the point that I am not going out except for work and Scouting because I am afraid I may rip someone's head off and they didn't do anything wrong.
I am terrified of what damage I am doing to my back molars because I find myself grinding and clenching my teeth during waking hours and I know I am grinding or clenching them when I sleep due to the pain in my jaw in the morning.

Unless I find private counselling -which I have no coverage for, I am on the never ending wait list for individual counseling at our doctor's office. Basically if I am not self-harming, suicidal etc I am just supposed to utilize the drop in counseling on Thursday mornings from 9:00am to 11:30am
And I am not guaranteed to see the same person twice. Which makes it hard for me to feel safe etc with regards to my anxiety.

I can't go to the farm on Christmas or Boxing Day. Not in this state. It won't make things better. Pretty sure it will go the opposite way.

I am hoping to go to Guelph to see the Goles or to Scarborough to see the Kennys in and around Boxing Day etc. They are the family I choose to have.

The lack of sleep is escalating this. I know that. I fell down the well and I'm stuck.